BUTTERBALL TURKEY

Hi butterball,

Last thanksgiving we had your turkey. It was delicious. I am in the 5th grade. I would like to work for you one day. I told my teacher this and she said that a few years ago a few workers from butterball were caught on tape "doing the nasty" to some turkeys.

What does this mean? Teacher said to go right to the source

Joam

OSCAR MEYER

Hi oscar,

My name is joam. I am in the 4th grade. My teacher said that my bologna is full of by products. What are by products? I love your bologna and hope to
Be smarter than my teacher when I grow up.

Yours in god,

Joam

JOAMS RESPONSE TO PILOT

Dear Melissa,

I feel like this was a generic response. My love for this pen runs deep. I may switch to bics.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE: pilot pens

Grrrr. bastards(joams response to a crappy response).


Thank you for your email message. We appreciate your comments. We too
share your enthusiasm for quality writing instruments. We hope our G2
pens provide you with many hours of writing pleasure.

Once again, thank you for your investment in our products.

Best regards,

Melissa XXXX
Consumer Advisor

RESPONSE: parks dept.

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your email inquiry on ice skating on the Hudson.

Unfortunately, We have not heard of any ice skating taking place in the near future at the Hudson. It doesn’t appear possible given that the Hudson is a river in constant motion. You may want to contact the Hudson River Park Trust at 212-627-2020 as they may have information pertaining to centers along the Hudson where you may ice skate or visit our Parks website at www.nyc.gov/parks for ice skating locations within Parks’ jurisdiction.

Thank you for your interest in Parks.

Sincerely,
Angie XXXX
Assistant to the Manhattan Borough Commissioner

PILOT PENS

Dear Pilot,

I love your G2 pro pen. There are my most favorite pen in all the world. If i could (and if it were legal) i'd marry this pen. That is how much I enjoy it. I've tested many pens in my day...but this fits my ink needs perfectly. Thank you Thank you. If I were on death row and could choose my last pen to write with...i'd undoubtedly choose the g2. I would like to be your spokesperson.

Yours in god,

Joam

RESPONSE

Thank you for your email message. We appreciate your comments. We too
share your enthusiasm for quality writing instruments. We hope our G2
pens provide you with many hours of writing pleasure.

Once again, thank you for your investment in our products.

Best regards,

Melissa XXXX
Consumer Advisor

JOAMS RESPONSE

Dear Melissa,

I feel like this was a generic response. My love for this pen runs deep. I may switch to bics.

Yours in God,

Joam

SALVATION ARMY

Dear Salvation,


I heard through the mountain vine that you are not in favor of the homo-sexual. If this is true I would like to take my $2.45 I gave to the salvation santa claus last xmas.

Yours in god

Joam

Ps. I am wearing a coat I bought at your thrift store. I would like to
Keep it.

HAAGAN DAAS

Dear haagan daas,

I would like to suggest making the following flavors;

1. Menthol 2. Beef and cheese 3. A 5 ingredient strawberry and fresh cut grass.

I believe in ice cream that imitates life.

Yours in god,

Joam

RESPONSE;


Dear Ms. Jeremy,

Thank you for your email suggesting new flavors of Häagen-Dazs® Ice Cream. It is always a pleasure to hear from our customers, whose ideas, comments, and concerns are very important to us here at Häagen-Dazs®.

Our flavor team works year-round experimenting with new flavor ideas or modifications to flavors we already offer. While we cannot guarantee that your request for Menthol, Beef and cheese, Strawberry with Fresh Cut Grass Five Ice Cream will be acted upon immediately, we can assure you that we will pass along your welcome suggestions to our flavor team for their consideration.

We appreciate you taking the time to share your enthusiasm with our company.

Sincerely,

Michele XXXXX
Consumer Response Representative

CHIPOTLE

Dear Chipotle-ans,

It has come to my realization that you do not have a mascot. All quality food chains have mascots. I would like to submit a few ideas;

1. A mexican dog
2. Ronald mcdonald with a moustache and sombrero
3. Ms. Piggy (but spanish and seductive)
4. Carlos "the hobo"

Thoughts? I am willing to collaborate.

Yours in God,

Joam


RESPONSE


Joam,

Thank you for writing us! But:

1) Already done.
2) Yikes.
3) No puppets.
4) No clowns (wait, that might not be a clown).

Sorry, but mascots are not our style of approach. Can't we just sell good food and leave it at that? Come on, be reasonable!

Sincerely,

Joe

POST-ITS

Dear 3m corporation

A friend stuck a post -it on my forehead and as I am unfamiliar with this product I am terrified of taking off. Will the glue rip off parts of my skin? I don't like to take any chances. Should i take it off gently with warm water and soap? Should I go to the hospital?

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE:

Dear Joam,

Thank you for contacting 3M Company. We appreciate hearing from you.

The Post-It(R) Note products are designed with a low tack adhesive on them,
which allows the product to be removed from the paper type surface that
they are attached to. We do not recommend that they be applied to skin.
However, you should be able to remove the product from your skin by pulling
the note off of it.

If you do need further assistance, please contact us directly at
1-800-395-1223.

Sincerely,

Beth
3M Office Supplies Division
1-800-395-1223
www.post-it.com
3M Workspace Solutions
1-800-332-7483
www.3m.com/myworkspace

I F-ing HATE CRISCO

Those Mother F-ers. I asked simple questions (please refer to previous emails) and they give me ANOTHER f--ng generic response. They don't want to answer my question...obviously because their product is made of chemical composites that threaten our health. I am so angry that I may hike down my mountain to CRISCO headquarters and have them deal with me in person. Everybody that reads this should call CRISCO hq and talk to every single "customer relations rep".
--J

THE LATEST

Dear M. Jeremy,
This letter is in reference to your recent contact with Crisco. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.
We would certainly like to answer any questions or concerns you may have regarding any of our Crisco Shortening Products, please contact us at 800-766-7309, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Jodi XXXX
Consumer Relations Representative
Ref # 8978490

CRISCO SAGA

Dear Crisco,

I recently moved back to the united states and was somewhat puzzled to see that Crisco was still going strong. I feel that a tub of lard/vegetable shortening should be illegial.what exactly is shortening? Is this healthy for American children?

Yours in God,

Joam
Crisco anti-consumer

CRISCO's RESPONSE
Dear M. Jeremy,
This letter is in reference to your recent contact with Crisco. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.
In response to your inquiry the following process is how our Crisco Shortening is made:
We purchase crude vegetable oils which we refine, bleach, deodorize, and partially hydrogenate.

Crude fats and oils contain small amounts of naturally occurring impurities such as resins and free fatty acids which hasten spoilage, contribute unwanted color, off-tastes, cause smoking and foaming at low temperatures. This processing removes these unwanted materials.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. If you should have further questions or need additional information, please visit our website at www.crisco.com or contact us at 800-766-7309, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Jodi XXXXX
Consumer Relations Representative
Ref # 8978490


JOAM's RESPONSE

Dear Ms Jodi,

Thank you very much for getting back to me (Ref # 8978490 ) but your response has left me even more questions. In your email you state: "We purchase crude vegetable oils which we refine, bleach, deodorize, and partially hydrogenate." Is it healthy to consume a product that needs to be refined, bleached and deoderized(?!?) before it is considered edible? Could you please forward me some documentation address this? As well, you state that "naturally occurring impurities...cause smoking and foaming at low temperatures." Again, how can it be safe to eat a product that smokes and foams naturally at low temperatures?

I must say that I am even more alarmed about Crisco shortening than I was when I first wrote to you.

Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy



CRISCO's RESPONSE

Dear M. Jeremy,
This letter is in reference to your recent contact with Crisco. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.
In response to your inquiry, all of the information regarding our Crisco Shortening products that is not considered to be proprietary is available on our website. Many questions can be answered under the Frequently Asked Questions tab.
If you should have further questions or need additional information, please contact us at 800-766-7309, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Jodi XXXX
Consumer Relations Representative
Ref # 8978490


JOAMS RESPONSE

Dear Jodi,

The website does not answer my questions. What is Crisco hiding?

Yours in God,

Joam

CAMELBAK

Dear camelbak co.,


I love your backpacks!! I recently was gifted a small camelbak during this past years xmas holidays. I have taken it everywhere with me...including to the hospital. I had a bout of pnemonia 2 weeks ago and while in the hospital i refused all other containers for water usage and instead made the nurses fill my camelbak daily. It is a lifesaver literally. Thank you.


Yours in God,


Joam Jeremy

LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL

Dear General Mills,

My entire life I have been told I look like the Lucky Charms leprachaun. I was adopted when I was 8 years of age and have little memories of my early childhood. I am convinced that I may have been the inspiration for your cereal. Who was the original model? Did he live in Kansas?

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE
Dear Joam:

Thank you for contacting General Mills with your inquiry.

Our commercials and print ads are created, cast and produced by outside advertising agencies. Our company does not maintain detailed information regarding advertising, including such things as jingles, talent or props. We would like to honor each of the many requests we receive, but this would be impossible.

We appreciate your interest and hope you continue to enjoy our products.

Sincerely,

Cathy XXXXX

Consumer Services

RESPONSE

Thank you Cathy for your response. I guess I'll keep on wondering who my birth parents were.

Yours in God,

Joam

NYC PARKS DEPT.

Dear Commissioner,

It is cold outside and the rumor has it that the Hudson is starting to freeze over. Will New Yorkers be able to ice skate on its surface this winter?


Yours in God,
Joam

RESPONSE
Dear Joam,

Thank you for your email inquiry on ice skating on the Hudson.

Unfortunately, We have not heard of any ice skating taking place in the near future at the Hudson. It doesn’t appear possible given that the Hudson is a river in constant motion. You may want to contact the Hudson River Park Trust at 212-627-2020 as they may have information pertaining to centers along the Hudson where you may ice skate or visit our Parks website at www.nyc.gov/parks for ice skating locations within Parks’ jurisdiction.

Thank you for your interest in Parks.

Sincerely,
Angie XXXX
Assistant to the Manhattan Borough Commissio

SOLO CUP COMPANY

Dear Solo cup company,

My name is Joam Jeremy. I am a pastor of Reba's baptist church in a small town in upstate New york. I think God brought me to your cups. The other day I was having a cup of hot chocolate during one of our AA meetings when I swear (and I am not a swearing man) that god started talking to me. He came to me in the shape a head of a little person in the chocolate liquid. He proclaimed that you should go from Solo cup company to Duo cup company...as man should not be alone. I wanted to make you aware of this .

Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting Solo Cup Company. We always appreciate hearing what our customers think about our products. I will be forwarding your information onto our marketing department for their review.

Sincerely,
Carri XXXXXXX

JOAM's RESPONSE:

Dear Carri,


Thank you for forwarding the information on to marketing. God is good.

Yours in God

Rev. Joam Jeremy

MAYONAISSE

Dear Best Foods,

I have hated mayonaisse since i was a child. The look, smell, seeing it glopped on a burger gives me chills.

Can you give me any advice on how to start loving your product. I have heard you have the best mayonaisse and it is silly to hold such disdain for a condiment in 2010


Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy.

WWW.BESTFOODS.COM

RESPONSE:

Hello Ms. JOAM JEREMY,

Thank you for writing us regarding Best Foods.
Our corporate goal is "meeting the everyday needs of people everywhere". It is truly rewarding when consumers feel strongly about our brands and take the time to communicate with us directly.
We will be happy to send you a complimentary coupon to try one of our products.
We appreciate your interest in our company and its products.


Sincerely,

Your friends at Best Foods

WENDY'S

Dear Wendy's

Despite your use of a red hair child (red haired children scare me), I like Wendy's. When I was in high school I worked at a Wendy's in my hometown, Tragically, I was "sunburned" by your fry machines. It caused me great embarassment which lead to overeating and a bout of obesity, but I am ok now and whenever I am travelling I only eat at Wendy's.

Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy

Wendy's biggest fan
http://www.wendys.com/