Kenneth 1

CHRISS and BARBARA

Barbara and Chriss talk about their relationship

Watch this!!!! Pure Joam

RESPONSE: etch a sketch part 2

Best response ever.

Instructions;
1. drill several holes on the bottom of the unit (be careful, if you drill too far, you'll disturb the drawing on the glass)
2. carefully shake out the aluminum powder. Be gentle here . you dont' want to shake powder onto your drawing.
3. if desired, seal the holes with hot melt glue (small particles of powder can continue to emit from the holes)
4. Glue (with hot mell) the white knobs so that they cannot be turned.

The drawings are now "preserved" however they are still somewhat delicate and should be handled with care. The etch a sketch may be hung on the wall by using a plate hanger.



Dear Joam,


Unfortunately, we cannot retrieve the drawing your son did of your house and truly wish we could. In the future, please follow the instructions attached on how to preserve your EAS art.

Cordially,

Cathy

----------
Hi Cathy,


Hope your travels were well in NY!

Not sure about this email….but I’m sure we have no way of storing EAS drawings on a database????

Thanks J

Linda

Joam's repsonse to Benjamin Moor.

Dear Info,



Thank you for your description. It sounds heavenly. Due to a breakthrough procedure I may regain my pigmentation and when and if this happens...i'm going to paint all my walls "jupiter glow".


Yours in god,

joam

CRAIGSLIST (PLATONIC FRIENDS SEARCH)

My name is Joam, I am very polite and sociable. I believe in holding doors open for lady friends and paying for all beer consumed while we are together.

I request a woman with an interest in chicken farming (as I am a farmer), church, country music and crochet (so she may crochet a blanket for our wedding bed) and most importantly believe in keeping our relationship platonic. My former wife left an awful big hole in my heart and I don' t wish to do that again.


Please respond.


Yours in God,

joam

BENJAMIN MOOR PAINT CO

Dear Benjamin Moore,

I was sadly stricken with color estamnia disease (estamnia coming from the latin word for lack of pigmentation) due to a very unfortunate accident in a wildlife park.  I am emailing you this as you are in the color business, which includes it's appearance. How would you describe the color "jupiter glow"? I love to hear how people describe colors. It makes living with this  rare illness a lot easier


Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Joam,

I would describe Classic Color #21—Jupiter Glow as a dark orange color with a slightly pink hue which reminds me of a salmon fish filet. How's that?

Info dep

PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Dear Planned Parenthood International,

I am doing a report for my social studies class and have a few questions;

1. Do international people have abortions?
2. In the last ten years how many of the aborted have been albinos or hermaphrodites?
3. Is the female condom taken orally?


Yours in God,


Joam

RESPONSE: UPS

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately, I am unable to help you without a tracking number. Please provide a UPS tracking number or a designated shipper reference number for this shipment. UPS tracking numbers are either 11 or 18 digits long, and 18-digit tracking numbers begin with '1Z'. This unique number allows us to provide you with specific delivery information.

I apologize that I am unable to assist you at this time.

Please contact us if you need any additional assistance.

Demi X.
UPS Customer Service

RESPONSE: DOMINOS

JOAMS NOTE: F-ng generic bastards...I may have to respond to this.


Dominos Case #: 728407


Joam,

Thank you for contacting us at our World Resource Center. As one of our valued customers, your concern is extremely important to us. I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate department for review.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us.


Sincerely,

Arnaldo
Domino's Pizza Customer Care T.E.A.M.

HALLLMARK

Dear Hallmark,

I have a card proposal for you.

Dearest ex girlfriend
Thank you for cheating on me
you might as well have neutered me
Leading me on and on
making love on our front lawn
only to find
you weren't so very kind
going after some other tom
happy valentine's day
and fuck you
from a heart that once rang true
for you miss purrrrfect
your little jaded ex kitty

Purrs in Paws

Gus Quitty

COORS

Dear Coors,

I recently turned 21 and a friend of mine gave me your product. He said you made "gourmet water" and that I should try it. It tasted  kind of funny to be perfectly honest and after a few cans I started slurring my speech, i couldn't balance, my face was flushed face and I had sex for the very first time! I believe in waiting until marriage to have relations with a woman and I don't believe this here product is "gourmet water". I think because i'm a seventh day adventist he took advantage of me. I want answers!

yours in god,

Joam

Etch a Sketch

Dear Ohio Art,

I am writing in regards to the Etch a sketch I just purchased for my son. My son made a beautiful "drawing" of our house. It was incredible. HOWEVER, when he picked it up to show his grandparents the drawing disappeared. I would like this drawing back. I'm sure you store them on some database and perhaps can upload it back to his Etch a Sketch. I am willing to pay up to a $100 for this service.


Yours in God,


Joam

UPS

DEAR UPS,

1. I make money.
2. I use this money to buy things.
3. UPS delivers these things to my apartment
Sounds very simple. So why do you insist on delivering these packages while i am out making money? You leave notes saying that you are there and that you have tried 3 times to make your delivery and now you will send this thing back. I leave signs letting you know where to drop things off. You can read my address, why can't you read my signs? Unreliable Pissant Shitheads

Yours in God,

Joam

DOMINOS PIZZA

Dear Dominos,

It has come to my attention that your cheese and pepporoni pizza causes intense flatuence. I did not know this when I ordered it and perhaps you should put some sort of warning label on the box. I am a graphic designer and can help you come up with a symbol. It is unfair for those that did not consume the pizza to have to suffer the consequences of their wife and children having a slice. I believe I have developed asthma not to mention the toxins floating around my internal organs.

Yours in God,

Joam

COWETA BAPTIST CHURCH

Hi, I am looking for a church for my family and I to attend as we just moved to Coweta. I need somewhere accepting. I was just released from prison and am in the process of leaving my wife for another man I met while locked up; Jesus Christ. I want to give my 100% to him and that would leave no room for my wife and kids. I need a church that would be accepting of my decision. I would like to be somewhat of a baptist nun. I want to be married to Jesus. Please let me know if this is the right church for me.

Yours in God,

Joam

SUAVE

Dear Suave,

I have concerns. Why does my hair need methylchloroisothiazolinone, ammonium chloride, hydroxypropyl methylcellulose, cetyl palmitate and DMDM hydantoin? Can I overdose on methylchloroisothiazolinone? I thought you cared about our hair!!!!

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Hello Joam,




Thank you for writing us regarding Suave.

Thank you for your recent email regarding the ingredients in our products. We appreciate the opportunity to respond to you.



All of the ingredients used in our products meet the legal standards for health and safety. Both ingredients and finished products are carefully studied and reviewed by the Food and Drug Administration, the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Environmental Protection Agency to ensure they meet all the legal requirements for safety.



Our company is committed to providing our consumers with the best quality products available - safe, great tasting, convenient and environmentally friendly. We will continue to research and develop products of the highest quality, safety and convenience.



Sincerely,



Your friends at Suave

KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN

Dear KFC,

I have an idea that could make you a fortune. Live chickens. I think it would enhance the customer's experience to choose their own chicken and have it butchered by an employee. It's the same idea as visiting a lobster house. If you use my idea, I would like compensation. I would love some feedback. Perhaps we can brainstorm together.

Yours in God,

Joam

MEAD Co.

Dear Mead,

I recently purchased a mini stapler from your company and it has been a lifesaver...literally. I happened to have my stapler out with me on a recent hiking trip. I fell down a small hill and cut my knee open and needed stitches desparately. Thankfully I had your stapler handy and was able to staple my wound together until I was able to make to a nearby hospital safely. Thanks mead!!!

Yours in god,

Joam

SEARS

Dear Sears,

In the early 1980s, my parents took us to our local Sears store to take holiday photos of my brothers and I. In one of the photographs taken is a mysterious little girl in the background. I believe her to be the ghost of my great aunt marianna who died tragically at the age of 7. Do you keep the original prints? I'd like to conduct a seance and need the original film/print.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your recent correspondence. We are always interested in
hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation
that prompted you to contact us. Please accept our apology for any
inconvenience you may have encountered with your photos.

Please contact the Sears Portrait Studio directly for further assistance
with your request.

Once again, we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Sincerely,

Shannon M.
Retail Customer Care
Sears Holdings Corporation


JOAM HAS CONTACTED THE SEARS PHOTO STUDIO

BIC

Dear Bic,

I am announcing my disdain for PILOT pens and my new found allegiance to BIC. I will use your pens everyday. Not only will i use your pens, but i will also take up smoking so that I may also enjoy your lighters. If i had to write one last letter to a loved one, you can be sure it would be with a BIC pen.
PILOT didn't appreciate my love for the G2 pen. They sent me back a form letter. I deserve real correspondance.

Thank you for your product. How does one become a spokesman? i can be your new BIC BOY

Yours in God,

Joam

TEDDY RUXPIN

My Teddy Ruxpin doll just celebrated his 10th birthday. I adopted him from ebay a decade ago after having made the decision that although I was single I could parent a robotic bear.

Lately Teddy has been up to unusual behaviors...primarily smoking cigarrettes. His babysitter reported that she had caught him in the bathroom smoking this morning and I am afraid there is no manual on how to talk to a bear on this subject. Do you have any advice? I love Teddy but I have zero tolerance for smoking bears.


Yours in God,


Joam

CARE BEARS

Hi,

I have funshine bear. Lately he has been very cold, distant and very un caring. I'd like to report him to the care bear police.

Yours in God,

Joam




                                                                                                                   

LL BEAN

Dear LL Bean,

I was born in the woods and I plan to die in the woods. Does LL bean make something for funerals? I would like to have a proper mountain man funeral not a namby pamby occassion like you see on television. I trust your products.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Good afternoon,

Thank you for thinking of L.L.Bean.

While we do not make anything specifically for funerals, if you let us know more specifically what you had in mind, we may be able to help you find something that will meet your needs.

We appreciate your thinking of L.LBean. If you would like further assistance, call us anytime. Representatives are always available to help.

Sincerely,
Greg S.
L.L.Bean Customer Service
800-441-5713
llbean.com

OLD NAVY

Dear Old Navy,

I was a navy man for many many years. I have long since retired and currently live in the mountains of Montana. My wife
told me about your store a few years ago. She has long since passed away. I was recollecting on our fun times together and felt I would take the time to write. I commend you for selling cast off clothing from the Navy. It is important that our youth grow up with a sense of Military pride. If you happen to come by a "Lt. Jeremy" stamp on issued clothing, please let me know as it be something of mine that I would be happy to autograph it for you store.


Yours in God,


Lt. Joam Jeremy

RESPONSE

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your interest in learning how Old Navy obtained its name.
Back in 1994 we were tasked with choosing a fun and distinctive name for
our exciting new brand. We received several suggestions such as
Monorail, Aboda, Easy Up, Elevator, and Forklift, but nothing seemed to
fit just right. Then some of our executives saw the words "Old Navy" on
the side of a building in Europe - and a brand was born. We think ?Old
Navy? says it all: fresh, energetic and modern style that we bring to
customers at an irresistible value.

Unfortunately, we do not offer vintage military uniforms. We truly
apologize for any disappointment this may cause.

We hope you find this information helpful. We appreciate your enthusiasm
for Old Navy and look forward to shopping with you soon!

If we may be of further assistance, please contact us at
custserv@oldnavy.com or by calling 1-800-OLD-NAVY.

Sincerely,

Ray
Customer Service Consultant

GAP

Hi Gap,


My name is Joam. I am from not America, so often I am confused. I get scared when shopping your store. I am afraid that I will
"fall into the gap". Gaps are holes. Where is this gap? I have managed so far to avoid it but will not let my children inside store.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE


Dear Joam,

Thank you for your recent email. Rest assured that we do not have gaps
in the floor, and/or any part of our stores. This is simply the name,
and slogan of our company. We apologize for any confusion this may have
caused.

If we may be of further assistance, please contact us at
custserv@gap.com or by calling 614-564-2169.

Sincerely,

Kellie
Customer Service Consultant