Old Folks Home---Nebraska

Hi,

I am unfortunately contacting you due to my ailing mother in law. She has been chronically ill for the past 5 years. She has refused surgeries, experimental drug treatments etc. She chalks it up to not wanting to experience more pain or be a "guinea pig". My family; my wife and 6 kids have grown very unfond of her. She is literally driving us all crazy and we think that it might be time to move her into your facility. We currently live in New York City but as she has always had her heart set on Nebraska for "retirement" . Our only concern is that her personality is quite unpleasant (really really unpleasant!). Our fear is that the staff might not want to deal with her...as in ignore her. We would of course completely understand but we are looking for a place where she will receive first class treatment. Anyhow, I'd very much love to hear back from you and figure out how to go from there.

Best,

Joam

Maoz Vegetarian Restaurant

Dear Maoz

I come to America thinking very smart place. Then I see your sign and I look in diction guide and do not see your word "maoz". Then i think they mean mouse. Why did you misspell this word.

Joam

Joam's IQ

Dear Joam Jeremy,

Thank you for your interest in the test at IQTest.com.

Your general IQ score is: 125

RESPONSE: Jet Blue

Dear Joam,

Thank you for contacting JetBlue Airways regarding one of our new ads. We are sorry to hear that you
found the "JetBlue and you sitting in a tree" ad to be very offensive and we would like to take the
opportunity to address your concerns.

We certainly didn't intend to cause offense and we offer our sincere apology for the uncomfortable
situation this led to for you and your family. We will be sure to pass along your concerns to our
marketing department for review.

Joam, we appreciate you taking the time to voice your concerns with us. We wish you and your family
the very best and hope to have the opportunity to serve you onboard a future JetBlue flight.

Sincerely,

Jenny

JetBlue

Dear Jet Blue,

I recently was on a NYC subway car and was exposed to your ad campaign "Jetblue and you sitting in a tree". I was highly offended. I am apart of an ultra orthodox faith and believe that your first kiss should be on one's wedding day. I had to hide my children's eyes, field their questions ("papa what does that mean") and my wife felt visually raped. We all know what happens when you are in the tree; k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Shame on you.

Joam

---Jet Blue's Response---

Dear Joam,

Thank you for contacting JetBlue Airways regarding one of our new ads. We are sorry to hear that you
found the "JetBlue and you sitting in a tree" ad to be very offensive and we would like to take the
opportunity to address your concerns.

We certainly didn't intend to cause offense and we offer our sincere apology for the uncomfortable
situation this led to for you and your family. We will be sure to pass along your concerns to our
marketing department for review.

Joam, we appreciate you taking the time to voice your concerns with us. We wish you and your family
the very best and hope to have the opportunity to serve you onboard a future JetBlue flight.

Sincerely,

Jenny

Nebraska TV Station

Dear Patrick,

My name is Joam and I live nearby. I was very upset over the "part time jobs for the holidays filled" story. I was hoping very much to get one of those jobs. See I've got alot of animals, mostly strays and a sick wife to take care of. Folks around here need something to hold on to, even if it's just waiting for the phone to ring for a job opportunity.

Sincerely

Joam J. Jeremy

Round Table Pizza

Dear Round Table Pizza

I was wondering if you could tell me what the maximum amount of pizza making materials each Round Table kitchen is equipped with. In other words, how many maximum pizzas can the average RT franchise make before running out of materials? I am opening a pizza shop called "Square Couch Pizza" and am wondering how many supplies a high volume chain has on hand.

Thanks,

Joam

PS. I love love love love love your ranch dipping sauce

-----ROUND TABLE's RESPONSE--------

Hi Jeremy,

Most of our processes are trade secrets, but in general, I can tell you that there isn't a single formula. You've got to anticipate your demand, consider product shelf life, etc. Maybe your suppliers can give you more help. That's about all I can say...

Best of luck to you.

Amy
Guest Loyalty Services

Pizza Hut

Dear Pizza Hut,

I was wondering if you could tell me what the maximum amount of pizza making materials each Pizza Hut kitchen is equipped with. In other words, how many maximum pizzas can the average PH franchise make before running out of materials? I am opening a pizza shop and am wondering how many supplies a high volume chain has on hand.


Thanks--- Joam

BURGER KING

Hi Burger King Media execs.

My name is Joam and I am an actor and filmmaker. I would like to chronicle my adventures eating in Burger King's across the United States. I would start my journey in New York City and hopefully end my journey in Los Angeles. My primary focus is to document the joy your institution brings to the young road tripper. I have a great love for BK and just wish to spread it (as well as stomp out the evil empire of Mcdonalds). I was hoping that you would sponser this endeavor or at least provide me with an official BK mascot King costume. I feel that wearing the costume would add a very comedic element to it as well as even more media exposure.

Please let me know your thoughts,


Joam

Bodum French Press

Hi Bodum,

I recently bought a Bodum 8 cup french press. I often make myself a cup of coffee while eating what I have deemed my "european breakfast". I have a problem however, I cannot have children. I have tried and the doctor has said that it is simply not possible. This troubles my partner and I immensely so much so that everyday things have become much harder. This includes, driving past schools,children birthday parties and making myself a cup of french press coffee as it involves me thrusting that long rod towards the liquid. Do you have any french presses that do not have the long rod? I don't want to co call phallic but it does represent my husband's inadequacies. I very much wish to continue having Bodum products in my home. Please help.

Respectfully,

Joam

Party Planning

Hi Party Planner,

I would like to plan a party and have been having a little trouble finding an event staff to help me. I would like to have a "Jesus' Birthday Party" celebration near the end of December. Some of my ideas are;
1. biblical food
2. live nativity scene
3. gifts for Jesus
4. Christian dj
5. an only christian waitstaff.
6. no Christmas trees or anything that reflects pagan values.
7. games for children with christian themes
8. Christian celebrity appearance. I would say somebody like Kristin Chenowith, only she played into satan's game by playing a witch on broadway, so somebody like her but with a clean performance history.

I know this is a lot, but it is indeed a special event and it's new york city, so we should be able to pull it off. Please email me back your interest and ideas.

Thanks,

Joam

---------------------------------------
Hi Joam,

Unfortunately, we cannot accommodate your event.

Best of luck.

Cheers,
Liron

JOAM's RESPONSE

Dear Liron,

I am very upset that you cannot accommodate my event. Do you have any suggestions as to event planners that can help me organize my Birthday Party to Jesus?

Best,

Joam

-------I CONTACTED ANOTHER PARTY PLANNER IN THE SOUTH, HERE IS THEIR RESPONSE-------

Good Morning, Joam.

Yes, indeed, a special event. We would love to work with you, but our Christmas decorations are out the entire month of December. I am afraid that will not meet your requirements. Please keep us in mind for other event options.

Starbucks

Hi Starbucks,

I want to start out by saying that although expensive and yuppy, I very much enjoy the Starbucks experience. HOWEVER, I'm a little upset at how you misrepresent your hot "apple cider". It is apple juice not cider, that you sell. There is a difference. I brought this to the attention of one of your baristas and they dumbly replied "yes it's apple juice". YET it is advertised as apple cider. I would like my money back. I do not like apple juice, I only drink cider for religious reasons. I wanted to bring this to your attention. You may send a check or a voucher.

Thanks,

Joam

---------
Hello Joam,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company.

I am very sorry that your hot apple cider drink was not enjoyable.

I want to assure you that I will be following up with the store and its management team in order to ensure that we are making these beverages correctly. Unfortunately, I am unclear at which store this happened. If you could please respond to this email with further information about the store location (such as cross streets), this would help us greatly. Please also feel free to take a look at our store locator at http://www.starbucks.com/retail/find/default.aspx for store information.

What I would like to do, is to invite you back to our stores to have a drink done right. I would be happy to mail you some beverage coupons so that your next drink will be on us.

Thanks again for giving us the opportunity to fix this situation. I assure you that we take feedback from our customers seriously and will use this as an opportunity to improve the experience for you.

If there are any questions or concerns that I have not been able to address, please don’t hesitate to call us at 800 23-LATTE (235-2883), we are here Monday through Friday from 5:00 AM to 6:00 PM (PST).


Thank you,

Sharon P
---------JOAM's RESPONSE-------

Dear Sharon,

Thank you very much for your response. It is nice to know that my concerns have been taken seriously. I would love to take you up on your beverage coupons offer. Perhaps as the apple cider drink enraged me so much, I shall try another beverage.

Joam

State of Nebraska

Dear Nebraska Tourism

I am doing a school report on nebraska. My class voted and it was chosen the most boring state.There doesn't seem to be anything going on except for fields of corn. Could you give me 5 reasons why somebody would want to visit your state.


thanks,

Joam



------NEBRASKA'S RESPONSE------


Hello Joam,
Sure, I would be glad to help with your project. There is something for everyone in Nebraska! Below are 5 awesome facts about the state:

1. Did you know that Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo is ranked one of the best zoos in the nation and is home to the world’s largest rain forest? For details about the zoo check out www.omahazoo.com.

2. Every spring between mid-February and mid-April, nearly half a million Sandhill Cranes stop to rest and refuel along Nebraska’s Platte River valley on their journey north. This awesome spectacle is a must see for all nature lovers. For details check out www.nebraskaflyway.com.

3. The world’s largest hand-planted forest is located in the Nebraska Sandhills region near Halsey, Nebraska. The Nebraska National Forest is a perfect place to enjoy the great outdoors! For details check out www.fs.usda.gov.

4. Train enthusiasts flock to North Platte, home of the world’s largest railroad yard. Enjoy a 360-degree view of Bailey Yards from the Golden Spike Tower and learn all there is to know about trains. For information go to www.goldenspiketower.net.

5. Is Kool-Aid your favorite soft drink? This tasty drink was invented in Hastings, Nebraska – home to the annual Kool-Aid Days celebration and the world’s largest Kool-Aid Stand! For details check out www.kool-aiddays.com.


Heather


-----NOTES FROM JOAM------

I heart Nebraska. I also love that one of the 5 reasons to love nebraska is that they invented Kool-Aid. Thanks Nebraska!!!!

Charms Lollipops

Dear Charms,

I have started my 8 year old daughter on a diet consisting only of charms lollipops (due to food allergies) and she has started smelling a little like fermented fruit. She is allergic to fruit and I fear for her safety, if there are fruit bits in your pops. Is there real fruit bits in your pops? She must only eat artificial flavors.

Thanks,

Joam

RESPONSE: Delta

Dear Mr. Jeremy,

RE: Case Number 1859560

Thank you for your feedback regarding our recent ad campaign. On behalf
of Delta Air Lines, I appreciate the opportunity to respond to your
correspondence.

I am truly sorry for your disappointment with our ad campaign "sleep is
not a perk". Customer observations provide us with a valuable
opportunity to improve our image, and we thank you for taking the time
to write. Be assured I will be sharing your comments and suggestion
with our Corporate Communications leadership team for their internal
review.

Mr. Jeremy, I want to thank you again, for writing. As a valued
customer, your business is important to us and Delta will always
consider it a privilege to serve your travel needs.

Sincerely,

Romaldo M.

Delta Airlines

Hi Delta,

I live in New York City. Your recent ad campaign that is featured on the subway proclaims "sleep is not a perk". Yet it is in reference to the "business elite" class, where you are providing fully reclining beds. Sleep is not a perk, agreed. Therefore, shouldn't you offer beds in all classes, including coach? This ad makes me uncomfortably mad.

Joam

HASBRO

JOAM's NOTE: Beyblades are essentially fancy looking spinning tops based off of a cartoon. Look them up for more information. They are taking over schoolyards everywhere.

Dear Hasbro,

Beyblades have taken over my life. i am facing beyblade battles on a daily basis and am afraid that somebody will defeat me. I have at this point about 10 beyblades...my favorite being the "Dark Bull". I am no longer speaking to my wife or kids as that what it takes to be an "ultimate beyblader" . I challenge people in grocery stores, playgrounds, dentist offices and most recently I held a challenge on the very rowdy street corner in the Bronx. I play for money or for "keeps". I recently got very depressed over how easily they seem to break. The material is cheap plastic. Are there any advanced beyblading reinforcement kits? I made a rubber reinforcers for all my blades using a pink eraser. I should have taken a photo. Now I am depressed that I didn't take one to upload. Can I please host an official BeyBlade championship?

Thanks,

Joam

HABROS RESPONSE

Hi joam,

Thank you for contacting us. We appreciate your taking the time to share your feedback with us regarding Beyblades.

Regrettably, we do not currently have advanced reinforcement kits available for consumers. However, if your products are broken or are defective in any way, we will be most pleased to arrange an exchange for you. In order to do this, please provide the names of the Beyblades in question and we will be happy to exchange the products for you.

Hasbro, Inc. is not currently providing Beyblade tournaments nor can we offer any information in regards to hosting your own tournament.

Consumer satisfaction is very important to us. Please be assured we have forwarded your comments to our management team so that they are also aware of your views.

We want to assure you that we are dedicated to maintaining quality products and service. We hope you and your family will continue to enjoy our products for many years to come.

Again, thank you for contacting us, and for your comments.

------------JOAM's RESPONSE---------

Dear Hasbro,

I was hoping to get you to sponser my Beyblades tournament or at least get a big banner for it. Would this be possible?

Thanks,

Joam

-----HASBRO RESPONSE------

joam,

Thank you for your email.

Our Consumer Affairs Department does not process sponsorship requests. All such requests are handled through Hasbro's Community Relations team.

Please see http://www.hasbro.org/ for more information. You may also call 1-800-242-7276 and ask for Community Relations.

Thank you for your understanding.

Dr. Laura

Dear Dr. Laura,

I was my kids dad. I just wanted to thank you for saving my marriage. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship that I had when I was a freshman in high school (live and learn!). Recently my current wife told me that she no longer wanted to be a step-mother to my daughter as my daughter is pregnant with her first child and my wife does not want to be a grandmother at the age of 26. As you can see, we have a fairly dysfunctional family unit. However, thanks to listening to your program. I learned that I need to cut ties with my daughter in order for her to have one less bad role model and sort of rebirth myself. I am now a christian man with firm values and a wife who stands by me. We are looking forward to restarting our life together and pushing control alt delete on the past. Thank you Dr. Laura, I feel free for the first time in my life to be my authentic self.

Yours in God

Joam

Iowa Public Radio

Dear Iowa Public Radio,

I have been a long time listener and sadly I have never had a penny to send your way (sigh). Iowa is such a vibrant state with a tremendous musical arts community that I believe rivals that of New York City. I am very proud to be a part of it. Lately, I have been doing some experimental music featuring the sound of flopping fish on a paint canvas mixed with leaves falling from a tree. I have made a cd featuring the melodic sound this reverberates to the universe. You'd truly be surprised at what a treat it is for the ears. I would love to send you a copy (free of charge of course) and maybe have it broadcast?

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE: TGI Fridays

F--ing Bastard generic response. Man up TGI Fridays.


Dear Joam:

Your inquiry will need to be addressed by a Manager of the local T.G.I. Fridays restaurant. You may find the telephone numbers and addresses to our locations on our website, http://www.fridays.com/locator.htm

We appreciate your interest in T.G.I. Friday's.
Lorena
Guest Relations

TGI Fridays

Hi TGI FRidays (and thank the lord god created Fridays)

I wanted to see if it was possible to hold a revival at your restaurant. I'm thinking of just a few of my fellow pastors and I coming and seeing who needs to be saved in your restaurant. This of course would be volunteer, we would never lead somebody to the lord that had an unwilling heart. My thoughts are of coming next week to your NYC location as there are certainly a lot of folks in the big apple that could use saving. Thoughts,

in sweet Jesus,

Joam

Outback Steakhouse

G'day Outback,

My name is Joam. I live in Fern Gully Australia and I am 30 years old. I am planning on coming to the states next month to do a bit of touring and wondered if I could come and do some presentations to your restaurants on what the continent of Australia is like. I could answer questions from staff and restaurant goers alike and give Outback Steakhouse a real taste of the outback. I would love to visit all your restaurants across the states. Please contact me, if you are interested.

Regards,

Joam

Sophie the Giraffe

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Celestial Seasonings

#2 Email

Dear Celestial Seasonings,
It has come to my shocking attention that there is indeed chocolate tea. Did you sell my idea? I wrote to you last week in the strictest confidence.. just to find nothing from you in my inbox and everything chocolate in other companies tea directories.

I revoke my former chocolate idea and submit to you a new one; catnip tea. This is secret. Hush Hush.

Joam




Dear Celestial Seasonings,
I want to start by stating that I love your tea. I would like to suggest a tea flavor; chocolate. Imagine if you will a cold winter evening, a couple is nestled around the fireplace with a oversized mug in their hands with...chocolate tea!!! I think this could be a top seller...maybe adding peppermint to it as well. Just an idea.

Love,

Joam

FRUIT A FREEZE

Dear Fruit a Freeze,

Yesterday I ate 8 fruit freezes in a row...I think this is a record of sorts. I alternated between strawberry and pineapple. Honestly I think strawberry is the best. Are the strawberries organic? They taste organic. Also, are your popsicle sticks recyclable? I'm not quite sure what to do with them except make birdhouses.

Joam

FRUIT A FREEZE RESPONSE:
On Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 1:48 PM, Consumer Relations wrote:

Thank you for the compliment!!

________________________________________

Dear Fruit a Freeze makers,

I love thee. I can't get enough of those strawberry popsicles. Honestly, I ate around 8 bars today and could go for another round. They are my favorite summer treat. I pair them with everything; fine wines, cheese and fish. I just wanted you to know how happy your product makes me.

Sincerely,

Joam

Chateau Diana's Wine Product

Dear Chateau Diana

I am interested to know what "wine product" is. Chateau Diana is sold in my neighborhood drugstore here in New York City. Is wine product code for cheap no alcohol content? Can one consume CD's wine product and feel a buzz.

Joam

BASKIN ROBBINS

Dear Baskin Robbins,

I am very disturbed. I recently purchased 3 scoops of "gold medal ribbon" ice cream and i felt that it was highly discriminative. First of all there are more people in this world than the blacks, whites and brown people that win gold medals. Many Many other ethnicities participate in the Olympic games. Asians for instance. Why are they not represented with yellow color of ice cream. Mangos perhaps? I am sure you are reading this in disbelief thinking I'm just another kook. But ask yourself this; am I participating in this vicious cycle of unjust success representation in America. I work for "Culturally Competent Partners" a firm of social workers that assist food based agencies in making culturally sensitives products. Our motto ; Love the Rainbow. If you do not remove/rename "Gold Medal Ribbon" immediately, I will call all the new agencies I have contacts at.

Firmly with Solidarity,


Joam

PETCO

Hi PETCO,
I have a new product i would like to suggest. I am a small animal enthusiast. Always tinkering around with common human objects and adapting them to my "lil friends". I often wash my cats and guinea pigs in the tub. My cats are tall enough that their heads can stay above water, whereas my guinea pigs are too small and would surely drown if it weren't for the flotation device I made them (photos upon request). Is there some wort of underwater breathing apparatus currently on the market specifically for guinea pigs? I am thinking of devising scuba diving equipment. Thoughts?

Joam

RESPONSE; Moleskin

Dear Joam,

Mole skin is not used in the production of Moleskine notebooks. The cover material is a vinyl material.

Best Regards,

Moleskines.com Customer Care

1-800-808-7714

http://www.Moleskines.com

-------

JOAM's RESPONSE

Dear Moleskin,
Thank you so much for your response. I'm confused, why is it called "moleskin" than?

Joam

MoleSkin Notebooks

Hi Moleskin,

I use your notebooks for just about everything from writing down notes to writing love notes to strangers on the subway. I do have but one strange request, could you please stop using mole skin? Moles have been labeled for years as "pests" and "ugly" but they are animals just the same. I am positive that your products would be just as popular "pletherized" than with real skin.


Thanks,


Joam Jeremy

Lake Edge Condos, Cleveland

Hi Lake Edge,

My domestic partner Paul and I are from New York City and due to work need to move to Cleveland. We are interested in buying a condo at Lake Edge and would like to set up an appointment. Paul is an avid swimmer, so a pool is a must...which is why your condos was such a big draw. As he has arthritic psoriasis, the temperature of the pool must be higher than 76 degrees. I know this seems like a weird question but what is the temperature the pool is kept at? Also, would it be possible to take a test swim when we view the condo?  We are very motivated.

Yours in God,

Joam


Check out Lake Edge Condos; myclevelandcondo.com/lakeedge

Arizona Beverage Co.

Dear Arizona Beverage Co.

I love your product however the state of Arizona has been receiving a lot of bad press lately. There is a rumor going on that to buy one of your products you must present your passport. Is this true? I will remain ever faithful to your brand but as I fear deportation, I must give it up


Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Dear Joam,

Thank you for the email. It's not true.



--Arizona

Another Blog You Should Check Out

http://www.irreverentgirl.com/

i like this broad

RESPONSE: Betty Crocker

Dear Mr. Jeremy:


Thank you for contacting General Mills with your recipe request. We are pleased to have the opportunity to share information from our recipe files and have included a recipe that we hope you’ll enjoy. Sometimes we do not have the requested recipe but we will include another that we feel may be appropriate.

We appreciate your interest in our recipes. Please let us know if you have additional questions or if there is any other way we can assist you.

Sincerely,

Katie
Consumer Services

~~ Chipped Beef on Toast Recipes ~~

California Chipped Beef
1/4 cup butter
4 ounces dried beef, cut up
1/4 cup Gold Medal® Flour
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon pepper
Dash of cayenne
2 cups milk or light cream
1 hard-cooked egg, chopped
1 ripe avocado, peeled and diced
Poppy Seed Cups (below)
Tomato wedges
Parsley

Cook and stir beef in butter until edges curl. Remove from heat. Blend in flour and seasonings. Cook over low heat, stirring until mixture is smooth and bubbly. Remove from heat; stir in cream. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil 1 minute. Gently stir in egg and avocado; heat through. Serve in Poppy Seed Cups. Garnish plates with tomato wedges and parsley. 6 servings.


Note: If dried beef is too salty, cover with hot water, heat to boiling and drain.

Poppy Seed Cups: Heat oven to 375°. Trim crusts from 12 slices white bread; spread with butter and sprinkle with poppy seed over buttered surface. Press bread slices into muffin cups. Bake 12 minutes, or until lightly toasted. 12/03/64

Creamed Chipped Beef
1 3-ounce package chipped beef
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1/3 cup dry milk
1 cup chopped celery (about 2 large stalks)
Toast, roll "boats" or rice

Chop chipped beef and rinse in cold water to remove excess salt. In a saucepan, mix mushroom soup mix and dry milk. Gradually stir in water. Add chipped beef and chopped celery. Heat until bubbly, stirring constantly. Serve on toast. 4 servings. 02/19/69

Creamed Chipped Beef with Poached Eggs on Toast
1 cup cut-up dried beef
1/4 cup butter or margarine
1/4 cup flour
4 cups milk
4 eggs
4 toast slices

Sauté dried beef in butter. Blend in flour. Cook over low heat, stirring until mixture is bubbly. Remove from heat. Stir in milk. Bring to boil, stirring constantly. Boil 1 minute. Break one egg at a time into a saucer. Slip gently into the hot white sauce. Turn heat low and cook until eggs are set and yolks are coated with white. Place each egg on a slice of hot buttered toast. Pour some of the sauce over each egg. 4 servings. 12/07/49

BETTY CROCKER

Betty,


When I was younger my mother made "chipped beef". What is this?
I bet you were the best mother in the world Mrs. Crocker. Did you make your fine recipes for your children? I imagine that you look like Barbara Bush.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE: Anheuser Busch

Hello Joam,


Thanks for your recent e-mail. I appreciate you taking the time to visit our Web site and share your thoughts regarding King Cobra Malt Liquor.

A naturally-brewed, full-bodied malt liquor, King Cobra was introduced in 1984 and is still sold nationwide and year-round. The availability of King Cobra and the package sizes this beer is offered in are marketing decisions and these decisions are usually based on consumer demand.
With this said, I regret to inform you that I cannot give you specific sales information for Harlem or other cities King Cobra is sold in, as this information is considered confidential. I apologize for any disappointment this news may cause you.

Consumer feedback, both positive and negative, is truly valuable to our company. Please know that I have shared your direct comments regarding King Cobra with our team and they will be considered during future marketing decisions.

Again, Joam, thank you for taking the time to visit our website and contact Anheuser-Busch. As always, please let me know if you have any additional questions or comments.


Cheers,

Janelle

Your Friend at Anheuser-Busch

1-800-DIAL-BUD (1-800-342-5283

JOAM GETS MAIL!!!!!

I am very excited to announce the arrival of my very first  "toilet roll extender" from the great people at CHARMIN. Thank you

CRACKER BARREL

Dear Cracker Barrel,

I just recently returned from the south  and upon my return i announced to various co workers that I dined at  Cracker Barrel. To my dismay they called me a racist and declared that cracker barrel is "the MOST racist restaurant in the USA". Where does the Cracker Barrel stigma stem from? I loved my experience. I must have gained 10 pounds by the time the meal was over with. The triangle game got the best of me as well. I kept having 4  pegs left!!!


Yours in God,

Joam

PS. I just loved loved the  little praying white doll in the "gift shop". I've never seen such a cute a  doll kneeled praying to our lord. Simply refreshing.

ANHEUSER BUSCH KING COBRA MALT BEVERAGE

Dear A B


 King Cobra malt beverage is targeted towards Harlem's homeless consumers?!!! Genius... freaking GENUIS!!!!  I've never seen it advertised anywhere else but Harlem and I cannot begin to count the number of people i have seen passed out on the sidewalk next to a can of COBRA. I have walked down stairs covered with nothing but fecal matter and COBRA cans. It's ideal really. They have very few people advocating for their choice of beer AND
they spend ALL of their hard earned street hustling money on your drink. Maybe this is what you want AB. A 50 something African American woman who lives on a sidewalk and mutters the varieties of grits.

Obviously you are smart, you have to be to turn out all the other quality beverages you manufactur.  Is the consumption of KING COBRA higher in HARLEM NYC than anywhere else in the nation? 

I would like to see some stats regarding my question. I think it is very interesting to manufacturer a beverage that is targeted to the homeless. SO SO clever!!!!

Did you initially set out to this or did it just sort of happen. I am truly interested. I also plan to target the homeless consumer , so i am seeking out business strategies.

Yours in God,

Joam

VICTOR PEST CONTROL

Dear Victor Pest Control,

What has been your experiences with glue traps? My best friend Tangi kept an entire mouse family alive by continuing to feed them once they were trapped in glue. They kept growing bigger and bigger but their feet remained the same size (as it was stuck in glue). I am wondering if this is a normal phenomenon?


Joam

SUSHI NABE (chattanooga tn)

Dear Sushi Nabe,

I have never eaten sushi before in my life. I am deathly afraid of raw fish after watching an episode of "Bones" where a  woman dies by some bacteria only found in raw fish. However, my daughter is marrying a japanese fellow and I fear that his family may not take a liking to me if I don't participate in their "culture". I plan on visiting your restaurant in the upcoming weeks. What is safe to try?


Yours in God,


Joam

AMPAD legal pads

Dear AMPAD,

I just wanted to take the time to let you know that i love love your 100% recycled legal pads. I use them for just about anything; writing love letters (to my lady friend sookie), corporal punishment (towards my not so keen daughter)and i even stapled the sheets together and made myself a shirt. I love the gray paper with the blue lines, it absorbs my papermate (sorry) black pens just perfectly. If you ever need a spokesperson, I am your man. God loves this paper, he told me in church last week and i pray nightly that i will always have an ampad in my bag.

Yours in god

Joam

RESPONSE: CHARMIN x 5

 HERE ARE ALL THE RESPONSES FROM MY EMAILS TO CHARMIN ---jj


Thanks for writing us, Joam.

We appreciate your taking the time to share such kind words.  We're delighted to hear you like our Charmin bear ads!  Your reaction is just what we hoped for, and your comments give us valuable input for future advertising campaigns.  I'm sharing your compliments with the rest of our team.  I'm sorry to disappoint you but we don't have any promotional bear items or autographs to send.  Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with my promotions team.

Thanks again for getting in touch with us.

Heather
Charmin Team
__________________________

Hi Joam,

Thanks for taking the time to share such kind words about Charmin!  Your reaction is just what we hoped for -- I can't wait to share your comments with the rest of our team.

We appreciate your taking the time to share your suggestions for possible improvements to Charmin. While I can’t promise anything, many of our decisions to change or improve products are based on feedback from concerned consumers like you.

Thanks again for writing!
Gary
Charmin Team

_____________________



Thanks for contacting Charmin, Joam.

We appreciate your interest in our products.  If you'd like, you can send your video to the following address:

Procter & Gamble
PO Box 599
Cincinnati OH 45201
Attn: Consumer Relations/03989474

Thanks again for writing.

Terri
Charmin Team


__________________________

Thanks for contacting Charmin, Joam.

In North America, we use virgin wood pulp to make Charmin bathroom tissue.  We make our paper of softwood trees - pine and spruce, as well as hardwood trees - oak and maple.

Hope this helps!

Terri
Charmin Team

____________________________

hanks for contacting Charmin, Joam.

We appreciate your interest in our products!  Charmin's original manufacturer was John Hoberg, a German immigrant who founded a company in his name in 1892. Charmin quickly became the most popular tissue product the Company made; and so, in 1953, the Company name was changed to Charmin Paper Mills.  P&G bought Charmin Paper Mills in 1957.  From 1957 until 1968, it was known as the Charmin Paper Company, a wholly-owned subsidiary of P&G. In 1968 Charmin and its companion paper products (Bounty, Puffs, and White Cloud) became members of P&G's Paper Products.

Although the name pre-dates P&G's ownership of the brand, the story told is that the name came from the word "Charming." Someone repeated the word using a softer pronunciation of the letters "ch," as it might be in French, and dropping the final "g."

Thanks again for writing.  Hope this helps!

Terri
Charmin Team

NYC CENTRAL PARK CONSERVATORY

guten tag!

I am so very excited to attend your conservatory. I have been preparing since my gymnasium days. I love meryl streep, julia roberts and your very funny jim carrey. They are my acting idols. I have received my itinerary but have questions on whether i should bring my sexy headshots with me or keep them at my parents house. My town is very excited that i'm coming. I was even on front page of newspaper. I have mailed you the money order.

danke

joam

SOUTH DAKOTA VETERINARY MEDICAL ASSOC.

Dear SDVMA,

I have a somewhat different question to ask. Are there any known cases of cattle with mental health issues? I believe my oldest sow who recently saw her calf off to slaughter has been incredibly moody and at times "mooing" to herself.She doesn't seem to be in touch with her reality. I know this may sound strange...but its a strange situation to deal with. None of the other cattle are acting this peculiar. I think this may be a result of losing her calf.Thoughts?




Yours in God,

Joam

CHARMIN TOILET PAPER

Dear Charmin,

I first off want to say how much i love your toilet paper. It's the only product I trust "down there". I notice that sometimes you have faint designs in your paper. Is there a possibility to make a commemorative Michael Jackson image. I think that it would be wildly popular and a fantastic tribute to my very favorite pop idol.



Yours in God,
Joam

--------------

Dear Charmin

My mom told me that Charmin was named after the actress that played Liesl in the Sound of Music. Is this fact of fiction?

Yours in God,

Joam

Dear Charmin,

I would like to submit a short movie about a Barbie doll using Charmin. I have a barbie toilet and a few rolls of charmin toilet paper...i just need to know where I would send this video.

Yours in God,

Joam

---------------------

Dear Charmin

I've noticed that there is a bear featured on your packaging. He is very cute but I fear he may attract bears to my campsite when i am out in the wilds of maine. Has this been a problem with any of your other consumers?

Joam


----------------------
Dear Charmin

I love using the toilet. It's a place where I can read,talk on the phone,eat and poop in private away from my children and wife. I always use Charmin TP...I especially love the funny but loving looking bear. He has become my mentor in a way. I know it sounds rather silly...but its true. I have a photo of him on my desk. He symbolizes HOPE to me...hope to poop, hope for love, hope to dream. Can i get an autrographed photo of the bear?

Yours in God,

Joam

---------------------------

Dear Charmin,

I have heard that you use parts of animal testicles in your toilet paper along with trees. Is this what makes Charmin so squeezable?

Yours in God,

Joam

SNAPPLE

Dear Snapple,

I am the president of the "BAN SNAPPLE" club at NYU. We have heard that Snapple has ties to the KKK and we think that it is false advertising to claim that your ingredients are the "best stuff on earth". Infact there is very little from the earth in your drinks. On the matter of the KKK, I cannot believe that we as Americans have allowed Snapple to be held with such high esteem. I am not afraid of you snapple. I am not afraid. Until you relinquish KKK control and put real fruit juice into your beverages my classmates and I will not consume snapple products Yours in God, Joam

HARRY POTTER

Hi,


My name is Joam. I am 9 years old and love reading the Harry Potter books. I pretend that sometimes I am Harry and that I can help protect people with my powers. My parents won't buy me the books because they said it is satans way of getting into our minds. they say that Hermione is a bride of satan and that ron's hair is red because of lindsey lohan who is a lesbian.

At youth group they set them on fire because they have spells and god does not like witches and warlocks. I love the books and dont want to stop reading them. I read them really late at night so that nobody finds me. If i read them will i go to hell with all the aborted babies ? I think reading is fun and that god thinks it is ok. Harry is very nice and only fights bad guys not the good guys. what do you think?



Yours in god

joam

OSH KOSH BGOSH

Dear osh bgosh,



I am a man of short stature. Ever since I was a young boy I have been wearing Osh kosh bgosh overalls. It is my "signature" look. I am now 35 years of age and have just officially outgrown your largest children's size. Do you sell clothing for little people? i need a larger size, where can I find a retailer for little people that carry the osh kosh brand? I prefer the carpenter style vs. denim. Also, I have a question i've been dying to ask. Where did the "bgosh" come from. I have an black friend who says it comes from a term used for slaves. I doubt this is true.


Yours in god


joam

RESPONSE

Hello Joam:


Thank you for e-mailing us. We are sorry, but we do not manufacture boy's clothing larger than a size 12 now. We wish we could help you. We do understand your need and wish we could help you more.

The word "bgosh" was born when William Pollack, bought half the company. He loved to go to Chicago for shows and one day while watching one he heard a cast member saud "b'gosh". It was catchy and trendy that the brand then became OshKosh B'gosh from there on.

If there is anything else that we can help you with please let us know.


Kecia
Consumer Affairs
Carter's

Kenneth 1

CHRISS and BARBARA

Barbara and Chriss talk about their relationship

Watch this!!!! Pure Joam

RESPONSE: etch a sketch part 2

Best response ever.

Instructions;
1. drill several holes on the bottom of the unit (be careful, if you drill too far, you'll disturb the drawing on the glass)
2. carefully shake out the aluminum powder. Be gentle here . you dont' want to shake powder onto your drawing.
3. if desired, seal the holes with hot melt glue (small particles of powder can continue to emit from the holes)
4. Glue (with hot mell) the white knobs so that they cannot be turned.

The drawings are now "preserved" however they are still somewhat delicate and should be handled with care. The etch a sketch may be hung on the wall by using a plate hanger.



Dear Joam,


Unfortunately, we cannot retrieve the drawing your son did of your house and truly wish we could. In the future, please follow the instructions attached on how to preserve your EAS art.

Cordially,

Cathy

----------
Hi Cathy,


Hope your travels were well in NY!

Not sure about this email….but I’m sure we have no way of storing EAS drawings on a database????

Thanks J

Linda

Joam's repsonse to Benjamin Moor.

Dear Info,



Thank you for your description. It sounds heavenly. Due to a breakthrough procedure I may regain my pigmentation and when and if this happens...i'm going to paint all my walls "jupiter glow".


Yours in god,

joam

CRAIGSLIST (PLATONIC FRIENDS SEARCH)

My name is Joam, I am very polite and sociable. I believe in holding doors open for lady friends and paying for all beer consumed while we are together.

I request a woman with an interest in chicken farming (as I am a farmer), church, country music and crochet (so she may crochet a blanket for our wedding bed) and most importantly believe in keeping our relationship platonic. My former wife left an awful big hole in my heart and I don' t wish to do that again.


Please respond.


Yours in God,

joam

BENJAMIN MOOR PAINT CO

Dear Benjamin Moore,

I was sadly stricken with color estamnia disease (estamnia coming from the latin word for lack of pigmentation) due to a very unfortunate accident in a wildlife park.  I am emailing you this as you are in the color business, which includes it's appearance. How would you describe the color "jupiter glow"? I love to hear how people describe colors. It makes living with this  rare illness a lot easier


Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Joam,

I would describe Classic Color #21—Jupiter Glow as a dark orange color with a slightly pink hue which reminds me of a salmon fish filet. How's that?

Info dep

PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Dear Planned Parenthood International,

I am doing a report for my social studies class and have a few questions;

1. Do international people have abortions?
2. In the last ten years how many of the aborted have been albinos or hermaphrodites?
3. Is the female condom taken orally?


Yours in God,


Joam

RESPONSE: UPS

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately, I am unable to help you without a tracking number. Please provide a UPS tracking number or a designated shipper reference number for this shipment. UPS tracking numbers are either 11 or 18 digits long, and 18-digit tracking numbers begin with '1Z'. This unique number allows us to provide you with specific delivery information.

I apologize that I am unable to assist you at this time.

Please contact us if you need any additional assistance.

Demi X.
UPS Customer Service

RESPONSE: DOMINOS

JOAMS NOTE: F-ng generic bastards...I may have to respond to this.


Dominos Case #: 728407


Joam,

Thank you for contacting us at our World Resource Center. As one of our valued customers, your concern is extremely important to us. I have forwarded your comments to the appropriate department for review.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us.


Sincerely,

Arnaldo
Domino's Pizza Customer Care T.E.A.M.

HALLLMARK

Dear Hallmark,

I have a card proposal for you.

Dearest ex girlfriend
Thank you for cheating on me
you might as well have neutered me
Leading me on and on
making love on our front lawn
only to find
you weren't so very kind
going after some other tom
happy valentine's day
and fuck you
from a heart that once rang true
for you miss purrrrfect
your little jaded ex kitty

Purrs in Paws

Gus Quitty

COORS

Dear Coors,

I recently turned 21 and a friend of mine gave me your product. He said you made "gourmet water" and that I should try it. It tasted  kind of funny to be perfectly honest and after a few cans I started slurring my speech, i couldn't balance, my face was flushed face and I had sex for the very first time! I believe in waiting until marriage to have relations with a woman and I don't believe this here product is "gourmet water". I think because i'm a seventh day adventist he took advantage of me. I want answers!

yours in god,

Joam

Etch a Sketch

Dear Ohio Art,

I am writing in regards to the Etch a sketch I just purchased for my son. My son made a beautiful "drawing" of our house. It was incredible. HOWEVER, when he picked it up to show his grandparents the drawing disappeared. I would like this drawing back. I'm sure you store them on some database and perhaps can upload it back to his Etch a Sketch. I am willing to pay up to a $100 for this service.


Yours in God,


Joam

UPS

DEAR UPS,

1. I make money.
2. I use this money to buy things.
3. UPS delivers these things to my apartment
Sounds very simple. So why do you insist on delivering these packages while i am out making money? You leave notes saying that you are there and that you have tried 3 times to make your delivery and now you will send this thing back. I leave signs letting you know where to drop things off. You can read my address, why can't you read my signs? Unreliable Pissant Shitheads

Yours in God,

Joam

DOMINOS PIZZA

Dear Dominos,

It has come to my attention that your cheese and pepporoni pizza causes intense flatuence. I did not know this when I ordered it and perhaps you should put some sort of warning label on the box. I am a graphic designer and can help you come up with a symbol. It is unfair for those that did not consume the pizza to have to suffer the consequences of their wife and children having a slice. I believe I have developed asthma not to mention the toxins floating around my internal organs.

Yours in God,

Joam

COWETA BAPTIST CHURCH

Hi, I am looking for a church for my family and I to attend as we just moved to Coweta. I need somewhere accepting. I was just released from prison and am in the process of leaving my wife for another man I met while locked up; Jesus Christ. I want to give my 100% to him and that would leave no room for my wife and kids. I need a church that would be accepting of my decision. I would like to be somewhat of a baptist nun. I want to be married to Jesus. Please let me know if this is the right church for me.

Yours in God,

Joam

SUAVE

Dear Suave,

I have concerns. Why does my hair need methylchloroisothiazolinone, ammonium chloride, hydroxypropyl methylcellulose, cetyl palmitate and DMDM hydantoin? Can I overdose on methylchloroisothiazolinone? I thought you cared about our hair!!!!

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Hello Joam,




Thank you for writing us regarding Suave.

Thank you for your recent email regarding the ingredients in our products. We appreciate the opportunity to respond to you.



All of the ingredients used in our products meet the legal standards for health and safety. Both ingredients and finished products are carefully studied and reviewed by the Food and Drug Administration, the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Environmental Protection Agency to ensure they meet all the legal requirements for safety.



Our company is committed to providing our consumers with the best quality products available - safe, great tasting, convenient and environmentally friendly. We will continue to research and develop products of the highest quality, safety and convenience.



Sincerely,



Your friends at Suave

KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN

Dear KFC,

I have an idea that could make you a fortune. Live chickens. I think it would enhance the customer's experience to choose their own chicken and have it butchered by an employee. It's the same idea as visiting a lobster house. If you use my idea, I would like compensation. I would love some feedback. Perhaps we can brainstorm together.

Yours in God,

Joam

MEAD Co.

Dear Mead,

I recently purchased a mini stapler from your company and it has been a lifesaver...literally. I happened to have my stapler out with me on a recent hiking trip. I fell down a small hill and cut my knee open and needed stitches desparately. Thankfully I had your stapler handy and was able to staple my wound together until I was able to make to a nearby hospital safely. Thanks mead!!!

Yours in god,

Joam

SEARS

Dear Sears,

In the early 1980s, my parents took us to our local Sears store to take holiday photos of my brothers and I. In one of the photographs taken is a mysterious little girl in the background. I believe her to be the ghost of my great aunt marianna who died tragically at the age of 7. Do you keep the original prints? I'd like to conduct a seance and need the original film/print.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your recent correspondence. We are always interested in
hearing from our customers, and regret it was this type of situation
that prompted you to contact us. Please accept our apology for any
inconvenience you may have encountered with your photos.

Please contact the Sears Portrait Studio directly for further assistance
with your request.

Once again, we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Sincerely,

Shannon M.
Retail Customer Care
Sears Holdings Corporation


JOAM HAS CONTACTED THE SEARS PHOTO STUDIO

BIC

Dear Bic,

I am announcing my disdain for PILOT pens and my new found allegiance to BIC. I will use your pens everyday. Not only will i use your pens, but i will also take up smoking so that I may also enjoy your lighters. If i had to write one last letter to a loved one, you can be sure it would be with a BIC pen.
PILOT didn't appreciate my love for the G2 pen. They sent me back a form letter. I deserve real correspondance.

Thank you for your product. How does one become a spokesman? i can be your new BIC BOY

Yours in God,

Joam

TEDDY RUXPIN

My Teddy Ruxpin doll just celebrated his 10th birthday. I adopted him from ebay a decade ago after having made the decision that although I was single I could parent a robotic bear.

Lately Teddy has been up to unusual behaviors...primarily smoking cigarrettes. His babysitter reported that she had caught him in the bathroom smoking this morning and I am afraid there is no manual on how to talk to a bear on this subject. Do you have any advice? I love Teddy but I have zero tolerance for smoking bears.


Yours in God,


Joam

CARE BEARS

Hi,

I have funshine bear. Lately he has been very cold, distant and very un caring. I'd like to report him to the care bear police.

Yours in God,

Joam




                                                                                                                   

LL BEAN

Dear LL Bean,

I was born in the woods and I plan to die in the woods. Does LL bean make something for funerals? I would like to have a proper mountain man funeral not a namby pamby occassion like you see on television. I trust your products.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE

Good afternoon,

Thank you for thinking of L.L.Bean.

While we do not make anything specifically for funerals, if you let us know more specifically what you had in mind, we may be able to help you find something that will meet your needs.

We appreciate your thinking of L.LBean. If you would like further assistance, call us anytime. Representatives are always available to help.

Sincerely,
Greg S.
L.L.Bean Customer Service
800-441-5713
llbean.com

OLD NAVY

Dear Old Navy,

I was a navy man for many many years. I have long since retired and currently live in the mountains of Montana. My wife
told me about your store a few years ago. She has long since passed away. I was recollecting on our fun times together and felt I would take the time to write. I commend you for selling cast off clothing from the Navy. It is important that our youth grow up with a sense of Military pride. If you happen to come by a "Lt. Jeremy" stamp on issued clothing, please let me know as it be something of mine that I would be happy to autograph it for you store.


Yours in God,


Lt. Joam Jeremy

RESPONSE

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your interest in learning how Old Navy obtained its name.
Back in 1994 we were tasked with choosing a fun and distinctive name for
our exciting new brand. We received several suggestions such as
Monorail, Aboda, Easy Up, Elevator, and Forklift, but nothing seemed to
fit just right. Then some of our executives saw the words "Old Navy" on
the side of a building in Europe - and a brand was born. We think ?Old
Navy? says it all: fresh, energetic and modern style that we bring to
customers at an irresistible value.

Unfortunately, we do not offer vintage military uniforms. We truly
apologize for any disappointment this may cause.

We hope you find this information helpful. We appreciate your enthusiasm
for Old Navy and look forward to shopping with you soon!

If we may be of further assistance, please contact us at
custserv@oldnavy.com or by calling 1-800-OLD-NAVY.

Sincerely,

Ray
Customer Service Consultant

GAP

Hi Gap,


My name is Joam. I am from not America, so often I am confused. I get scared when shopping your store. I am afraid that I will
"fall into the gap". Gaps are holes. Where is this gap? I have managed so far to avoid it but will not let my children inside store.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE


Dear Joam,

Thank you for your recent email. Rest assured that we do not have gaps
in the floor, and/or any part of our stores. This is simply the name,
and slogan of our company. We apologize for any confusion this may have
caused.

If we may be of further assistance, please contact us at
custserv@gap.com or by calling 614-564-2169.

Sincerely,

Kellie
Customer Service Consultant

BUTTERBALL TURKEY

Hi butterball,

Last thanksgiving we had your turkey. It was delicious. I am in the 5th grade. I would like to work for you one day. I told my teacher this and she said that a few years ago a few workers from butterball were caught on tape "doing the nasty" to some turkeys.

What does this mean? Teacher said to go right to the source

Joam

OSCAR MEYER

Hi oscar,

My name is joam. I am in the 4th grade. My teacher said that my bologna is full of by products. What are by products? I love your bologna and hope to
Be smarter than my teacher when I grow up.

Yours in god,

Joam

JOAMS RESPONSE TO PILOT

Dear Melissa,

I feel like this was a generic response. My love for this pen runs deep. I may switch to bics.

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE: pilot pens

Grrrr. bastards(joams response to a crappy response).


Thank you for your email message. We appreciate your comments. We too
share your enthusiasm for quality writing instruments. We hope our G2
pens provide you with many hours of writing pleasure.

Once again, thank you for your investment in our products.

Best regards,

Melissa XXXX
Consumer Advisor

RESPONSE: parks dept.

Dear Joam,

Thank you for your email inquiry on ice skating on the Hudson.

Unfortunately, We have not heard of any ice skating taking place in the near future at the Hudson. It doesn’t appear possible given that the Hudson is a river in constant motion. You may want to contact the Hudson River Park Trust at 212-627-2020 as they may have information pertaining to centers along the Hudson where you may ice skate or visit our Parks website at www.nyc.gov/parks for ice skating locations within Parks’ jurisdiction.

Thank you for your interest in Parks.

Sincerely,
Angie XXXX
Assistant to the Manhattan Borough Commissioner

PILOT PENS

Dear Pilot,

I love your G2 pro pen. There are my most favorite pen in all the world. If i could (and if it were legal) i'd marry this pen. That is how much I enjoy it. I've tested many pens in my day...but this fits my ink needs perfectly. Thank you Thank you. If I were on death row and could choose my last pen to write with...i'd undoubtedly choose the g2. I would like to be your spokesperson.

Yours in god,

Joam

RESPONSE

Thank you for your email message. We appreciate your comments. We too
share your enthusiasm for quality writing instruments. We hope our G2
pens provide you with many hours of writing pleasure.

Once again, thank you for your investment in our products.

Best regards,

Melissa XXXX
Consumer Advisor

JOAMS RESPONSE

Dear Melissa,

I feel like this was a generic response. My love for this pen runs deep. I may switch to bics.

Yours in God,

Joam

SALVATION ARMY

Dear Salvation,


I heard through the mountain vine that you are not in favor of the homo-sexual. If this is true I would like to take my $2.45 I gave to the salvation santa claus last xmas.

Yours in god

Joam

Ps. I am wearing a coat I bought at your thrift store. I would like to
Keep it.

HAAGAN DAAS

Dear haagan daas,

I would like to suggest making the following flavors;

1. Menthol 2. Beef and cheese 3. A 5 ingredient strawberry and fresh cut grass.

I believe in ice cream that imitates life.

Yours in god,

Joam

RESPONSE;


Dear Ms. Jeremy,

Thank you for your email suggesting new flavors of Häagen-Dazs® Ice Cream. It is always a pleasure to hear from our customers, whose ideas, comments, and concerns are very important to us here at Häagen-Dazs®.

Our flavor team works year-round experimenting with new flavor ideas or modifications to flavors we already offer. While we cannot guarantee that your request for Menthol, Beef and cheese, Strawberry with Fresh Cut Grass Five Ice Cream will be acted upon immediately, we can assure you that we will pass along your welcome suggestions to our flavor team for their consideration.

We appreciate you taking the time to share your enthusiasm with our company.

Sincerely,

Michele XXXXX
Consumer Response Representative

CHIPOTLE

Dear Chipotle-ans,

It has come to my realization that you do not have a mascot. All quality food chains have mascots. I would like to submit a few ideas;

1. A mexican dog
2. Ronald mcdonald with a moustache and sombrero
3. Ms. Piggy (but spanish and seductive)
4. Carlos "the hobo"

Thoughts? I am willing to collaborate.

Yours in God,

Joam


RESPONSE


Joam,

Thank you for writing us! But:

1) Already done.
2) Yikes.
3) No puppets.
4) No clowns (wait, that might not be a clown).

Sorry, but mascots are not our style of approach. Can't we just sell good food and leave it at that? Come on, be reasonable!

Sincerely,

Joe

POST-ITS

Dear 3m corporation

A friend stuck a post -it on my forehead and as I am unfamiliar with this product I am terrified of taking off. Will the glue rip off parts of my skin? I don't like to take any chances. Should i take it off gently with warm water and soap? Should I go to the hospital?

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE:

Dear Joam,

Thank you for contacting 3M Company. We appreciate hearing from you.

The Post-It(R) Note products are designed with a low tack adhesive on them,
which allows the product to be removed from the paper type surface that
they are attached to. We do not recommend that they be applied to skin.
However, you should be able to remove the product from your skin by pulling
the note off of it.

If you do need further assistance, please contact us directly at
1-800-395-1223.

Sincerely,

Beth
3M Office Supplies Division
1-800-395-1223
www.post-it.com
3M Workspace Solutions
1-800-332-7483
www.3m.com/myworkspace

I F-ing HATE CRISCO

Those Mother F-ers. I asked simple questions (please refer to previous emails) and they give me ANOTHER f--ng generic response. They don't want to answer my question...obviously because their product is made of chemical composites that threaten our health. I am so angry that I may hike down my mountain to CRISCO headquarters and have them deal with me in person. Everybody that reads this should call CRISCO hq and talk to every single "customer relations rep".
--J

THE LATEST

Dear M. Jeremy,
This letter is in reference to your recent contact with Crisco. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.
We would certainly like to answer any questions or concerns you may have regarding any of our Crisco Shortening Products, please contact us at 800-766-7309, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Jodi XXXX
Consumer Relations Representative
Ref # 8978490

CRISCO SAGA

Dear Crisco,

I recently moved back to the united states and was somewhat puzzled to see that Crisco was still going strong. I feel that a tub of lard/vegetable shortening should be illegial.what exactly is shortening? Is this healthy for American children?

Yours in God,

Joam
Crisco anti-consumer

CRISCO's RESPONSE
Dear M. Jeremy,
This letter is in reference to your recent contact with Crisco. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.
In response to your inquiry the following process is how our Crisco Shortening is made:
We purchase crude vegetable oils which we refine, bleach, deodorize, and partially hydrogenate.

Crude fats and oils contain small amounts of naturally occurring impurities such as resins and free fatty acids which hasten spoilage, contribute unwanted color, off-tastes, cause smoking and foaming at low temperatures. This processing removes these unwanted materials.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. If you should have further questions or need additional information, please visit our website at www.crisco.com or contact us at 800-766-7309, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Jodi XXXXX
Consumer Relations Representative
Ref # 8978490


JOAM's RESPONSE

Dear Ms Jodi,

Thank you very much for getting back to me (Ref # 8978490 ) but your response has left me even more questions. In your email you state: "We purchase crude vegetable oils which we refine, bleach, deodorize, and partially hydrogenate." Is it healthy to consume a product that needs to be refined, bleached and deoderized(?!?) before it is considered edible? Could you please forward me some documentation address this? As well, you state that "naturally occurring impurities...cause smoking and foaming at low temperatures." Again, how can it be safe to eat a product that smokes and foams naturally at low temperatures?

I must say that I am even more alarmed about Crisco shortening than I was when I first wrote to you.

Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy



CRISCO's RESPONSE

Dear M. Jeremy,
This letter is in reference to your recent contact with Crisco. We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us and most certainly enjoy hearing from consumers who enjoy our products.
In response to your inquiry, all of the information regarding our Crisco Shortening products that is not considered to be proprietary is available on our website. Many questions can be answered under the Frequently Asked Questions tab.
If you should have further questions or need additional information, please contact us at 800-766-7309, Monday - Friday, 9:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Jodi XXXX
Consumer Relations Representative
Ref # 8978490


JOAMS RESPONSE

Dear Jodi,

The website does not answer my questions. What is Crisco hiding?

Yours in God,

Joam

CAMELBAK

Dear camelbak co.,


I love your backpacks!! I recently was gifted a small camelbak during this past years xmas holidays. I have taken it everywhere with me...including to the hospital. I had a bout of pnemonia 2 weeks ago and while in the hospital i refused all other containers for water usage and instead made the nurses fill my camelbak daily. It is a lifesaver literally. Thank you.


Yours in God,


Joam Jeremy

LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL

Dear General Mills,

My entire life I have been told I look like the Lucky Charms leprachaun. I was adopted when I was 8 years of age and have little memories of my early childhood. I am convinced that I may have been the inspiration for your cereal. Who was the original model? Did he live in Kansas?

Yours in God,

Joam

RESPONSE
Dear Joam:

Thank you for contacting General Mills with your inquiry.

Our commercials and print ads are created, cast and produced by outside advertising agencies. Our company does not maintain detailed information regarding advertising, including such things as jingles, talent or props. We would like to honor each of the many requests we receive, but this would be impossible.

We appreciate your interest and hope you continue to enjoy our products.

Sincerely,

Cathy XXXXX

Consumer Services

RESPONSE

Thank you Cathy for your response. I guess I'll keep on wondering who my birth parents were.

Yours in God,

Joam

NYC PARKS DEPT.

Dear Commissioner,

It is cold outside and the rumor has it that the Hudson is starting to freeze over. Will New Yorkers be able to ice skate on its surface this winter?


Yours in God,
Joam

RESPONSE
Dear Joam,

Thank you for your email inquiry on ice skating on the Hudson.

Unfortunately, We have not heard of any ice skating taking place in the near future at the Hudson. It doesn’t appear possible given that the Hudson is a river in constant motion. You may want to contact the Hudson River Park Trust at 212-627-2020 as they may have information pertaining to centers along the Hudson where you may ice skate or visit our Parks website at www.nyc.gov/parks for ice skating locations within Parks’ jurisdiction.

Thank you for your interest in Parks.

Sincerely,
Angie XXXX
Assistant to the Manhattan Borough Commissio

SOLO CUP COMPANY

Dear Solo cup company,

My name is Joam Jeremy. I am a pastor of Reba's baptist church in a small town in upstate New york. I think God brought me to your cups. The other day I was having a cup of hot chocolate during one of our AA meetings when I swear (and I am not a swearing man) that god started talking to me. He came to me in the shape a head of a little person in the chocolate liquid. He proclaimed that you should go from Solo cup company to Duo cup company...as man should not be alone. I wanted to make you aware of this .

Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting Solo Cup Company. We always appreciate hearing what our customers think about our products. I will be forwarding your information onto our marketing department for their review.

Sincerely,
Carri XXXXXXX

JOAM's RESPONSE:

Dear Carri,


Thank you for forwarding the information on to marketing. God is good.

Yours in God

Rev. Joam Jeremy

MAYONAISSE

Dear Best Foods,

I have hated mayonaisse since i was a child. The look, smell, seeing it glopped on a burger gives me chills.

Can you give me any advice on how to start loving your product. I have heard you have the best mayonaisse and it is silly to hold such disdain for a condiment in 2010


Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy.

WWW.BESTFOODS.COM

RESPONSE:

Hello Ms. JOAM JEREMY,

Thank you for writing us regarding Best Foods.
Our corporate goal is "meeting the everyday needs of people everywhere". It is truly rewarding when consumers feel strongly about our brands and take the time to communicate with us directly.
We will be happy to send you a complimentary coupon to try one of our products.
We appreciate your interest in our company and its products.


Sincerely,

Your friends at Best Foods

WENDY'S

Dear Wendy's

Despite your use of a red hair child (red haired children scare me), I like Wendy's. When I was in high school I worked at a Wendy's in my hometown, Tragically, I was "sunburned" by your fry machines. It caused me great embarassment which lead to overeating and a bout of obesity, but I am ok now and whenever I am travelling I only eat at Wendy's.

Yours in God,

Joam Jeremy

Wendy's biggest fan
http://www.wendys.com/